my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist