Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR