Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.