Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.