{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Why I divorced her.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
😏😏😏