HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
road rage
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you