My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
You Might Also Like
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.