Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
opening twitter today
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Waiting for the Charmin
LOL!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.