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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me