If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
concern
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her