Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
did it work
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos