Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target