both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.