Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.