Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
At Walmart during the holidays like..
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When he asks for feet pics
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)