My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
when dads have a rap battle
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.