Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming