20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”