<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes