When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
You Might Also Like
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter