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Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Not all heroes wear capes….
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.