safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
This could be us but you eatin’
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.