I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.