Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
this came to me in a vision
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?