Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides