You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
You Might Also Like
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.