Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
The sun is 100% solar-powered.