Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*