Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us