ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My Plans 2020
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.