HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.