When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*seductively eats two tums*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.