listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
no such thing as a dumb question
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.