Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.