7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline