Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream