I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Is this a threat?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months