“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything