My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Just so funny