People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
cyclists
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck