It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Yup….perfect score!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*