Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so