DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you