Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
You Might Also Like
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
motivation
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.