*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
me: my friends:
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.