If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.