Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
You Might Also Like
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Oops
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )