Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.