[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’m awake but I object,
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO