It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.